I miss this man...

James Edwin Patton...better known as "grandaddy" or "pawpaw pattpatt"

I'm having a hard time lately. I suppose it's because it's getting close the anniversary of when we found out about grandaddy's cancer.

October 31st used to be a day that I looked forward to (because I love getting the kids dressed up and I love the atmosphere), but now I'm sitting here dreading this day. I remember every minute of that morning and I remember the phone calls so vividly that they hurt. I had just gotten to work and had a note on the bulletin board to call Jan. This was rare, but I thought "well, maybe she's calling to let me know they won't be home tonight", so without hesitation, I called and said "hey, you called?". I remember being very upbeat and excited that morning...until I heard her voice and I knew something was wrong..something was very wrong. She gave a heavy sigh followed by "Sarah, I've got some back news. They took grandaddy to the ER last night and he was airlifted to UAB. They think he may have brain cancer." . She asked if I was ok to which I forced out an "uh huh". But I wasn't. After she filled me in with the details, I cleared my face and began my work day. I didn't speak to Matt at all that day because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself together. I kept telling myself that I would talk to him when I got home and could see him and let him hold me. I didn't do that. When I got home, I saw him, and my heart broke. Without saying a word, I went to my bed and sobbed. He knew something was wrong and gave me a few minutes before he came in. He knelt beside the bed, rubbing my hair, and asked "baby, what's wrong." My words were, "I'm not ready to lose him." "Lose who? what's going on?"...Once I was finally able to tell him, he did exactly what I wanted him to do...he held me and he comforted me. I spent the next couple of days traveling back and forth to UAB. Grandaddy had brain surgery to have the "spot" removed, successfully. But to see him in ICU was heart breaking. He was out of it and couldn't hold his eyes open (thankfully), so I quietly held his hand while I cried and told him I loved him and that he was as handsome as ever. Bless his heart, the only thing he was worried about was me seeing him without his teeth. I didn't care. I wish I could see that toothless face again. I wish I could hold that big rough hand again. I wish I could tell him how handsome he is again. Not long after he got to come home, he got the shingles and I gave birth to Mahlon. We spent the next couple of months having phone conversations because we couldn't be around him. Once he was well, we went down as much as time would allow. I wish we would have forgotten about every other "priority" we had and spent more time with him. This man meant the world to me. He was always there for me. Even if he didn't approve of my situation, he always let me know he loved me. Even if all he said was "me too". You see, that's how he replied when you told him you loved him. I wish I could hear that again. From now on, when I have a memory of him I'm going to post it here, so that I'll always have it. And if you have one, please post it. I would love to read it.